I know I am a day late with Part 3 but things has been a bit hectic on my side... here you go :)
It's been nearly a year since Leah's birth and finally I started feeling like my old self again and not just like a wife and mother of two.
I was in a happy place, comfortable with my now "complete" family tree.
Suddenly, I started feeling really ill. This carried on for weeks and just got worse as time went by.
I suspected that I might have cyst on my ovary. This would not entirely be uncommon as I have had them before.
I made an appointment to see my gynaecologist so that we could get to the bottom of these "cysts".
19 November 2013 came and it was the day for my Dr's visit.
Whilst in the consultation room, I explained all of my symptoms to the Dr and also what my concerns were. He asked me if I had done a pregnancy test and I said no, it was highly impossible that I would be pregnant.
In the examining room, he did the sonar to check out my ovaries and there it was a tiny little body and an amniotic sac.
The Dr's words to me were "Mishkah, jy is swanger" (Mishkah, you are pregnant). At first I did not believe him, as he had a huge smile on his face and because he was joking about it whilst consulting me. I calming said to him that it was not the time nor the place to be making silly jokes. He said to me "I am not joking, there is your baby and there the amniotic sac is busy forming. You can listen to the heart beat now."
I was 6 weeks pregnant! My heart at stopped beating the minute I heard the works "jy is swanger."
I could not believe that I was pregnant. On our drive back to my work, Darryl and I were both silent. We were both in shock and all I did was sit there and cry.
This was not in my plan, after all, I'd had my pigeon pair already and that was where it was supposed to end.
We were nearly at my work and finally we spoke, we agreed not to tell anyone about the pregnancy just yet. I was not ready for all the questions and judgement that was going to come my way.
When I got back to work, I could not concentrate. All I could think about was my Dr's visit and each time I thought about it, I started sobbing.
The sad reality was, that I was not ready to have another baby, not emotionally and not mentally... I did not want to have this child.
On our way home that evening, we stopped at the pharmacy. I wanted to get a pregnancy test. Although this sounds crazy, I needed to have the test to give me piece of mind. Needless to say the test was positive.
I cried and prayed for days on end. Cried because I felt like the timing was not right, that so much was happening in my life at that moment and that another child would complicate or mess up things. I prayed for God to guide me, to strengthen me and to help me make peace with having another child. I also prayed for forgiveness for feeling the way I did.
As weeks passed by, I felt worse. I was edgy, moody and very down. The guilt of being so unhappy about this pregnancy had finally creeped up on me. When I found out about the two previous pregnancies, I was so happy and excited, I wanted to share the news with the world but with this pregnancy all I had was negative feelings and I was trying to hide it from the world.
We had our second Dr's visit and still I felt no excitement. All I thought was, I still cannot believe we are having another baby.
Three children seemed like way too much and I was not sure if I could handle that.
I knew that Darryl was excited about having another child, he always told me he would like to have three or more, I always told him he was crazy.
He did not show any excitement because he was aware of how I was feeling. This made me feel even worse.
He kept teasing me saying I would love this child the most, to which I replied, it was impossible for a mother to love one child more than the other.
Each time I asked him when we would be breaking the news, he said "whenever you tell me you're ready babe"
We agreed to break the news on Christmas. As time drew closer, I changed my mind. I was just not ready.
New years came and went and still we did not break the news to our family and friends. I started feeling baby move by then.
On Sunday 5 January 2014 I laid in bed and decided to open my bible, the first verse I saw was:
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
I had goosebumps in my stomach. For weeks I had been praying to God to send me a sign. A sign to tell me that everything would be okay and that I could do this. This verse confirmed this for me.
God has appointed me as "a prophet to the nations". My nation is my family, my husband and my children. I was appointed to take care of them, nurture them and be the glue that binds us together. After all, this is what a mother was created to do.
Suddenly I did not care about the rest of the world and how they would judge or question me for having another baby. This was what God had planned for my life, this is what was put out for me and I needed to claim it, rejoice in it and embrace the new blessing that was coming my way.
The following evening I told Darryl I was ready to come out and break the news.
Slowly we started telling our friends and family. Some were more excited than others and then the bare minimum had nothing at all to say. This did not bother me, I felt a sense of relieve that I was no longer carrying this weight on my shoulders.
I thank God every morning for opening my eyes to what was something amazing and for the strength he gave me to move away from Satan and the lies and disbelief he was planting in my head. After all, the only thing that mattered was that I was married to the man I was having this child with, we love each other with all our hearts and this child will be yet another perfect reflection of the love we share for one another.
On Monday 20 January 2014 was our third visit to the Dr and he confirmed we will be having another boy. FINALLY the excitement for this pregnancy started oozing out and so did the belly :) I now have a perfectly tiny baby bump.
The past two months has taken my faith to new heights. I am again in the happy place I was before the pregnancy.
As much as we try to plan our lives, what God has planned for us is so much greater and better than what we think is best for us.
I am embracing my blessing and looking forward to the new addition to MY GROWING FAMILY!
I hope the 3 part story to my growing family was an enjoyable read for everyone :)
God Bless
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